Surprisingly, time managed to pass pretty fast between my last entry till today. It has been a month or so but I have vague memories of how this time has passed me. Nothing significant has happened. Nothing worth remembering. Yes, little bits and pieces of saccharine sweetness but bringing them up again will render the ache sickeningly unbearable.
My new soul mate now is my tivo. It's ironic to call it my soul mate because that thing simply exists without a soul. A plug into the electricity point and it springs into life. A touch on the "Off" button sentences it to eternal sleep (or at least till I hit the "On" button again). It has been my pal for many nights when sleep refuses to pay me a visit without a single grunt or complaint. The latest entertainment it has gotten me hooked on is Discovery Travel & Living. I simply love this channel on cable. I love to watch the cooking shows. I love the travel documentaries. I love the features they do on tattoos. Makes me want to do all that myself!
I wonder what does it take to be a travel show talk host. They seem to never run out of things to say. They seem to get to travel to all the exotic places that everyone dreamt of going. They seem to be able to savour all the best cuisines all around the world (needless to say they sometimes have to chow down the deadliest gross-sities in this living world). Whatever the world has to offer eh? Isn't that the best job to have ever? Fine food. Free travel. A whole entourage of crew making sure you stay pretty on screen and have the best rest because the next day, you have to look pretty on screen again. Good deal? Sounds like a damn sweet deal to me. Of course the rare locust or larvae which you have to gobble down. But think about it. Imagine the succulent feast you will have tomorrow at the Ritz and the larvae will do down like it's piece of prime foie gras.
The recent happenings in Mumbai came as quite a shock to me (though I secretly wish the terrorists would accidentally shoot some of the people I have unfortunately came to know. Oops. Evil me? So sue me. I don't fucking care. I am pretty sure everyone has seriously hated another person at one point in time of their lives. You think everyone is Mother Theresa? God bless that sweet lady). They killed a young Singaporean who could have accomplished much in her life if those bastards had not taken that bullet at her. She is 28. Same age as me. She is from Methodists' Girl's School. That's within the same vicinity as my school. I did think to myself did I at one point in time ever met her. At a fast food joint? Or we had the same friends and hung out together? At the bus stop waiting for a bus? Bless the poor soul. I hope she will be contented wherever she has gone to. Actually, since I want to die so much, why don't I just fly myself there and let them shoot me? Hmph. I think not. I'd rather they kill the ones I hate then I can continue living happily. Selfish? Who's not? Can the bastards in Mumbai do something right for once?
I need another job. But I can't find one. Each day I open the website to Jobsdb and there's like hundreds and hundreds of job openings available. Every single company seem to be employing. Isn't supposed to some economic crisis now? Anyway it doesn't bother because I NEED A JOB. But no one seems to want me! Even if I'm willing to subject myself to a pay cut. What is this world coming to! I just want to get myself out of this vicious cycle of sales and sales and more SALES! Enough of facing stupid customers all day long. The human race has already proven to me the level of stupidity it is capable of. I do not need to be proven to twice.
These job agencies that claim to help people search for suitable job openings are a complete hoax. I have had first hand encounter with these brainless gits. They don't really care what you are looking for in a job. They only muster all their energy into trying to coax you into thinking that whatever jobs they have at hand is the most suitable for you. Example, me. They called me up and asked what it is that I'm looking for in a job. I said I'm not interested to do sales anymore. I want to do something like back-end support. I don't mind middle-office. And that was all I got to say. "Oh, what is it that you don't like about sales?" "Sales is the way to make more money." "I've got a lot sales vacancies I can put you up for it." "Why don't you try sales again since you've had the experience?" Shut up biatch! I said I don't want to do sales anymore! Do you understand English? I've had enough of these people. Complete waste of my time.
Oh I hate this world. I hate my existence in this world even more. Mumbai, here I come.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
21 Oct 2008
Periodically over the span of the past few days, many thoughts gathered in my head. Good ones, bad ones, happy ones and more often than not, sad ones. I never knew I was capable of thinking so much. I thought it was mostly air in my head. Once, long time ago, when I was still in school, a friend commented that if he were to chop off my head, my head will float. Somehow now, I wished that was true. Bimbo-ism or airheaded-ism can be quite a good thing after all. Sarcasm, bad reviews will simply float past. Makes life more bearable ain't it?
I decided to make Sunday night alcohol free. In fact, I made Sunday free from everything. I only spoke when necessary (I had to speak at some point or another because I was in the service industry). Other times I just maintained ZERO human contact. No Msn, no Facebook. I really was not in any mood to speak to anyone or do anything. I floated like a ghost during work. And surprisingly, the day passed with much ease.
Interruption. I have to voice this out or I think I'd go crazy. Some people are just so plain stupid! "Can I can a Shiatsu massage? - I'm sorry I don't have any available slots now. - Oh, then can I get an Asian Oil massage? - Ma'am, I do not have any available slots now." Customer walks out, stares at the menu and walks back again. "Then can I get a Upper Body massage? - Ma'am, I have mentioned to you I DO NOT HAVE ANY AVAILABLE SLOTS AT THE MOMENT. I do not have any HUMAN BEING available to do any massage for you now." Customer then finally decided to leave. WTF???!!! Can she not understand english or is she stupid? Doesn't mean that you play around with the massages you want to have and suddenly a therapist will appear and do it for you. What, guess the right massage? Get it right and you will be able to get it done! Crap! Can't understand these people. I do not have anyone to do it means I do not have anyone. Period. Playing guessing games does not help, morons.
Right, back to Sunday. Well I went home and decided to have an alcohol/ med-free night. Wrong wrong decision. I floated like a ghost for the rest of the night as well. I completed the remaining episodes of Moonlight Resonance (the show was pretty alright) and it was not even 2am. I took a smoke and realised my TV-freak neighbour is still glued to the tivo. At least that's a consolation. But I was starting to freak out. I have completed my drama serial. I have no more shows to watch. I ain't got no TV channels on the tivo in my room. What am I going to do to pass my time? Count sheep? I really was desperate. Decided I shall smoke 2 cigarettes to pass more time. Thought about many things while smoking. I realised I think and talk about dying every single day. Sometimes on more than one occassion a day. I think about the easiest way to die. I'm a coward. So I do not dare to jump down 25 storeys. What other sure-die ways are there other than jumping off a building? Cutting my wrist? Painful. I will not dare to do it myself. Why not get someone to simply chop of my hand and let me bleed to death. Pills? Not sure-die. If I do not die, I have to go through the torture of pumping my stomach. I toyed with the idea of asking someone to push me down a building since I do not have to guts to do myself. But who in the right mind would help me with it? I concluded that the only sure-die method is to jump down a building. But I got no guts. How? I thought I could tie myself to a fridge or something and push the fridge down so it'd drag me down with it too. But what if the rope doesn't hold. What if it breaks before it could drag me down? Then I'd be charged with killer litter. Can't die plus get charged. Not worth it. Then it suddenly struck me. Is it healthy to think about dying everyday? Is it going to cause some emotional breakdown in me? Will I then go into depression? But you know what people say, if someone really had the intention to die, they will go kill themselves silently and everyone will be shocked. People will go "I didn't know she was upset about anything. She looked absolutely fine to me!". So I think I should be safe since I literally talk about dying everyday. So, fuck it.
Finished my smokes and floated into my kitchen. Opened the fridge and decided to have some juice. Too lazy to float across the kitchen to get a glass, I decided to just pour the contents straight into my mouth. But due to lack of sleep and alcohol, my aim was totally off. I spilled about half a cup of OJ on my PJs (hey, kinda rhymes huh). Too lazy to change out of my PJs and get it cleaned, I splashed water on myself and got myself cleaned at the kitchen sink. Too lazy to dry it with the hairdryer, I left the wet PJs on me for the entire night. I regretted. My laziness left me with a bad fever the next day.
After the slight rendezvous in the kitchen, I floated to the living room looking for things to kill my time. I swear no one can be more crazy than me. I started to count the number of pairs of shoes I own. On the shoe rack itself and scattered loosely around it, I already counted 12 pairs. I opened the shoe cupboard and counted. 9 pairs. That's 21. I have a suitcase full of shoes in my room. I think that should make up another 10 pairs. Another 2 pairs of boots. Another 4 pairs still with a friend. I think at least another 10 pairs in my old flat. Total 47 pairs of shoes. Not that bad huh. But I still think its not enough. Baaah.
Then I floated to my tivo in the living room and ransacked the cupboards for some shows to watch. Zero. Zilch. Nothing. I resorted to watching my old VCDs from more 10 years ago. Which also probably contributed to my inability to sleep. I had to crawl out of my bed to change the friggin' disc every 45 minutes or so. Baaah.
I watched a total of 2 and 1/2 movies. A Bug's Life. Shanghai Noon. And half of Wild Wild West. By the time I had to get out of my bed to change to the second disc for Wild Wild West, daybreak was starting to creep up on me. WTH. I shut the tv, hid my head under the covers and prayed for sleep to come. I vaguely remember, I kinda fell asleep for half an hour. Then the bomb came and I cursed and sweared my way to the bathroom.
I start my day everyday with a swear word. Kinda unhealthy huh. Baaah.
I decided to make Sunday night alcohol free. In fact, I made Sunday free from everything. I only spoke when necessary (I had to speak at some point or another because I was in the service industry). Other times I just maintained ZERO human contact. No Msn, no Facebook. I really was not in any mood to speak to anyone or do anything. I floated like a ghost during work. And surprisingly, the day passed with much ease.
Interruption. I have to voice this out or I think I'd go crazy. Some people are just so plain stupid! "Can I can a Shiatsu massage? - I'm sorry I don't have any available slots now. - Oh, then can I get an Asian Oil massage? - Ma'am, I do not have any available slots now." Customer walks out, stares at the menu and walks back again. "Then can I get a Upper Body massage? - Ma'am, I have mentioned to you I DO NOT HAVE ANY AVAILABLE SLOTS AT THE MOMENT. I do not have any HUMAN BEING available to do any massage for you now." Customer then finally decided to leave. WTF???!!! Can she not understand english or is she stupid? Doesn't mean that you play around with the massages you want to have and suddenly a therapist will appear and do it for you. What, guess the right massage? Get it right and you will be able to get it done! Crap! Can't understand these people. I do not have anyone to do it means I do not have anyone. Period. Playing guessing games does not help, morons.
Right, back to Sunday. Well I went home and decided to have an alcohol/ med-free night. Wrong wrong decision. I floated like a ghost for the rest of the night as well. I completed the remaining episodes of Moonlight Resonance (the show was pretty alright) and it was not even 2am. I took a smoke and realised my TV-freak neighbour is still glued to the tivo. At least that's a consolation. But I was starting to freak out. I have completed my drama serial. I have no more shows to watch. I ain't got no TV channels on the tivo in my room. What am I going to do to pass my time? Count sheep? I really was desperate. Decided I shall smoke 2 cigarettes to pass more time. Thought about many things while smoking. I realised I think and talk about dying every single day. Sometimes on more than one occassion a day. I think about the easiest way to die. I'm a coward. So I do not dare to jump down 25 storeys. What other sure-die ways are there other than jumping off a building? Cutting my wrist? Painful. I will not dare to do it myself. Why not get someone to simply chop of my hand and let me bleed to death. Pills? Not sure-die. If I do not die, I have to go through the torture of pumping my stomach. I toyed with the idea of asking someone to push me down a building since I do not have to guts to do myself. But who in the right mind would help me with it? I concluded that the only sure-die method is to jump down a building. But I got no guts. How? I thought I could tie myself to a fridge or something and push the fridge down so it'd drag me down with it too. But what if the rope doesn't hold. What if it breaks before it could drag me down? Then I'd be charged with killer litter. Can't die plus get charged. Not worth it. Then it suddenly struck me. Is it healthy to think about dying everyday? Is it going to cause some emotional breakdown in me? Will I then go into depression? But you know what people say, if someone really had the intention to die, they will go kill themselves silently and everyone will be shocked. People will go "I didn't know she was upset about anything. She looked absolutely fine to me!". So I think I should be safe since I literally talk about dying everyday. So, fuck it.
Finished my smokes and floated into my kitchen. Opened the fridge and decided to have some juice. Too lazy to float across the kitchen to get a glass, I decided to just pour the contents straight into my mouth. But due to lack of sleep and alcohol, my aim was totally off. I spilled about half a cup of OJ on my PJs (hey, kinda rhymes huh). Too lazy to change out of my PJs and get it cleaned, I splashed water on myself and got myself cleaned at the kitchen sink. Too lazy to dry it with the hairdryer, I left the wet PJs on me for the entire night. I regretted. My laziness left me with a bad fever the next day.
After the slight rendezvous in the kitchen, I floated to the living room looking for things to kill my time. I swear no one can be more crazy than me. I started to count the number of pairs of shoes I own. On the shoe rack itself and scattered loosely around it, I already counted 12 pairs. I opened the shoe cupboard and counted. 9 pairs. That's 21. I have a suitcase full of shoes in my room. I think that should make up another 10 pairs. Another 2 pairs of boots. Another 4 pairs still with a friend. I think at least another 10 pairs in my old flat. Total 47 pairs of shoes. Not that bad huh. But I still think its not enough. Baaah.
Then I floated to my tivo in the living room and ransacked the cupboards for some shows to watch. Zero. Zilch. Nothing. I resorted to watching my old VCDs from more 10 years ago. Which also probably contributed to my inability to sleep. I had to crawl out of my bed to change the friggin' disc every 45 minutes or so. Baaah.
I watched a total of 2 and 1/2 movies. A Bug's Life. Shanghai Noon. And half of Wild Wild West. By the time I had to get out of my bed to change to the second disc for Wild Wild West, daybreak was starting to creep up on me. WTH. I shut the tv, hid my head under the covers and prayed for sleep to come. I vaguely remember, I kinda fell asleep for half an hour. Then the bomb came and I cursed and sweared my way to the bathroom.
I start my day everyday with a swear word. Kinda unhealthy huh. Baaah.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
18 Oct 2008
I think by far, the hardest pain to bear is to pine for someone. Pine : to yearn intensely and persistently especially for something unattainable.
The focus here is on two words. Intensely and unattainable.
Intensely : existing in an extreme degree. To do anything intensely just doesn't seem right. To love intensely, you may end up hurting yourself. To hate intensely, you may end up committing murder. To work intensely, you may end up married to your job. To miss intensely, you may end up murdering yourself. And THAT, I consider the worst form of intensely ever.
Unattainable : not achievable. Somehow this doesn't sound all that heart-warming either. "Mummy, can I have some candy? - No." - unattainable, thus sad. "Hopes to achieve 100/100. Results: 90/100." - unattainable, thus sad. "Hopes to come out tops in the swimming competition. Results: 2nd." - unattainable, thus sad. "Can you love me? - No." - unattainable, thus sad. And That, I too consider the worst form on unattainable ever.
God taught us to miss, to yearn, to want. All in a great effort to teach us to stand stronger on our two chicken feet.
The focus here is on two words. Intensely and unattainable.
Intensely : existing in an extreme degree. To do anything intensely just doesn't seem right. To love intensely, you may end up hurting yourself. To hate intensely, you may end up committing murder. To work intensely, you may end up married to your job. To miss intensely, you may end up murdering yourself. And THAT, I consider the worst form of intensely ever.
Unattainable : not achievable. Somehow this doesn't sound all that heart-warming either. "Mummy, can I have some candy? - No." - unattainable, thus sad. "Hopes to achieve 100/100. Results: 90/100." - unattainable, thus sad. "Hopes to come out tops in the swimming competition. Results: 2nd." - unattainable, thus sad. "Can you love me? - No." - unattainable, thus sad. And That, I too consider the worst form on unattainable ever.
God taught us to miss, to yearn, to want. All in a great effort to teach us to stand stronger on our two chicken feet.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
09 Oct 2008
A very very Happy Birthday to a dear dear friend of mine, Priscilla. Today marks yet another step closer to her big 3* and I wish her many more blessings to come.
Priscilla is a very precious friend of mine. Someone I may not speak with from day to day. Someone I may not even speak with week to week or month to month. But once we do, it almost seems like we have just hung out or dined the day before. It doesn't matter how often I see her or how often we talk. Because deep down inside (and I know it goes the same for her and myself) , we both know we will be there for each other no matter when, no matter what. And that our friendship stays strong regardless of time and circumstances. It stayed strong for 15 years, it will stay strong for many more 15 years to come.
She's a proud mother of two (though one is still in the making). Proud mother of baby Jonathan. Regrets on my part that I've not had many chances to see him. Though I wish him a long and happy journey growing both up and old. Though married, wife-ed and mother-ed, she is still the same insane, zappy Priscilla I knew from 15 years before. Her qwerky antics never fail to both amaze and amuse me.
Kudos to her, for the determination at work. Seriously, when I had first met her in school, I never thought she will evolve into that super-woman she is today.
"I am proud and happy to have you as my friend."
Priscilla is a very precious friend of mine. Someone I may not speak with from day to day. Someone I may not even speak with week to week or month to month. But once we do, it almost seems like we have just hung out or dined the day before. It doesn't matter how often I see her or how often we talk. Because deep down inside (and I know it goes the same for her and myself) , we both know we will be there for each other no matter when, no matter what. And that our friendship stays strong regardless of time and circumstances. It stayed strong for 15 years, it will stay strong for many more 15 years to come.
She's a proud mother of two (though one is still in the making). Proud mother of baby Jonathan. Regrets on my part that I've not had many chances to see him. Though I wish him a long and happy journey growing both up and old. Though married, wife-ed and mother-ed, she is still the same insane, zappy Priscilla I knew from 15 years before. Her qwerky antics never fail to both amaze and amuse me.
Kudos to her, for the determination at work. Seriously, when I had first met her in school, I never thought she will evolve into that super-woman she is today.
"I am proud and happy to have you as my friend."
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
08 Oct 2008
Last night I did a little experiment with myself. I did not drink. I did not take any medication (though in fact you should say I did, but that I'll explain later). I watched healthy TV and wanted to see if I was capable of sleeping naturally.
I haven't been to sleep since.
It is absolutely horrible. Started with the first stroke of midnight. The dreadfulness and fear starts kicking in. Also the excitment of the anticipation of blessed natural sleep. But why am I not even yawning yet. "Nah, do not worry. It is still early by your standards. It will happen."
One episode. Two episodes. 1:15 am. Time for a smoke. Thank goodness the TV freak is still alive opposite.
Three episodes. Four episodes. Smoke? Nah, can wait. Five episodes. Back is aching. 3:40am. My neighbours opposite are ALL asleep. Except for a random bulb in the toilet here and there. I am still standing here, smoking my trusty Viceroy Menthol Lights in my PJs. Hair fuzzy, vision fuzzy. Long, deep drags on the ciggarette. When did it all come to this.
I was pleasantly surprised when I looked up and realised there are quite a number of twinkling
smiles looking down on me. Like the gentle soldiers of the night sky watching over its humble beings in this mundane world.
I had this conversation about stars with many people. But before I rattle on about this possible crazy theory I came up with with a schoolmate of mine, I need to talk about light. Speed of light. Many of us would have heard of the phrase many a times in our life. Very simply, it just states that there is a way to measure light. By its speed. So light compared to some may travel at a very high speed. To others (which I have not known what) light may travel at a slower speed. So light actually needs time to travel to reach our eyes. Be it short or long.
Light bounces off the book you have in front of you almost instantly and thus you see the book now in present times. Light bounces off the plant in front of you almost instantly too and thus you see the plant in present times too. That's because the distance is so short, its practically feat-less for light to travel at maximum top speed (ie. immediate).
Our twinkling soldiers, stars, however, are so so far away from us. Words can't simply explain how far are they away from us. Except that they are so far away that when light bounces off them, it takes such a long for light to travel back to our eyes for us to be able to see them that the stars we see today, now, are in fact stars of the past. For example, one ray of light started its bounce away from the star one day ago. Light took one day to travel back to earth to our eyes. So meaning to say this star that we are seeing now was actually a star from one day ago. Makes sense? Well at least I think it did. (I did not come up with this theory myself. We actually read about it off somewhere, I can't remember where.) So our theory is, if we, humans, the most intellectual race of the modern fictitious world of ours, can capture this theory of the speed of light and actually grasp the concept, can we not then see into the past? After all the stars we will be seeing tonight will be from one, two, three or even more days ago. Comprehendo?
Back to my long endless night. After that ciggarette and that train of thoughts I retreated back to my room and continued the arduous repitition of my rountine. TV, smoke, TV, smoke. It came to a point of frustation when I wanted so badly to sleep but I simply cannot. I would doze off from the TV only to wake up seconds later. F**k! I have to wake up at 7am later! Desperation drove me to turn to the remaining sips of cough mixture I had left. *Gulp!* That should do the trick. I cuddled under my sheets in eager anticipation of the impending sleep. Tick tock tick tock. This doesn't feel right. Why am I not sleeping yet? Tick tock tick tock. It's almost 6am. My alarm's going off fearfully soon. Tick tock tick tock. Wait, this feels weird. I'm not feeling sleepy but yet a strange kind of high-ness. Groggy, vision-blurred. Head is spinning a little. Is that a flash of light that I am seeing? That a shadow or? But wait, my eyes are closed. This is not right. Though it all feels kinda nice but I can't be allowing these when I have to work in a while! I pushed all these experiences with the last ounce of mind power I had. I have to sleep! Forced sleep is better than none.
Daybreak begins. It is another part of the day which I absolutely detest. I hate to watch the sunlight slowly creep up against my curtains and spreading its horrific wings all across my room. To me, its marks another sleepless night and I have survived another midnight ordeal to watch the ugly sun rise upon me.
I took one last look at my clock. Ten more minutes before it rings. I am desperate. I need to sleep. I closed my eyes and prayed. Suddenly the sleeping power of the cough mixture decided to stir within my body, at the wrongest time possible. F**k, I thought to myself. I may have said it out I don't know. I think, in my half-awakeness, I did fall asleep for about ten to five minutes and my clock went crazy on me.
I wobbled out of bed, still faint and groggy from the high I had from the cough mixture, cursing and swearing all the way to the bathroom.
I haven't been to sleep since.
It is absolutely horrible. Started with the first stroke of midnight. The dreadfulness and fear starts kicking in. Also the excitment of the anticipation of blessed natural sleep. But why am I not even yawning yet. "Nah, do not worry. It is still early by your standards. It will happen."
One episode. Two episodes. 1:15 am. Time for a smoke. Thank goodness the TV freak is still alive opposite.
Three episodes. Four episodes. Smoke? Nah, can wait. Five episodes. Back is aching. 3:40am. My neighbours opposite are ALL asleep. Except for a random bulb in the toilet here and there. I am still standing here, smoking my trusty Viceroy Menthol Lights in my PJs. Hair fuzzy, vision fuzzy. Long, deep drags on the ciggarette. When did it all come to this.
I was pleasantly surprised when I looked up and realised there are quite a number of twinkling
smiles looking down on me. Like the gentle soldiers of the night sky watching over its humble beings in this mundane world.
I had this conversation about stars with many people. But before I rattle on about this possible crazy theory I came up with with a schoolmate of mine, I need to talk about light. Speed of light. Many of us would have heard of the phrase many a times in our life. Very simply, it just states that there is a way to measure light. By its speed. So light compared to some may travel at a very high speed. To others (which I have not known what) light may travel at a slower speed. So light actually needs time to travel to reach our eyes. Be it short or long.
Light bounces off the book you have in front of you almost instantly and thus you see the book now in present times. Light bounces off the plant in front of you almost instantly too and thus you see the plant in present times too. That's because the distance is so short, its practically feat-less for light to travel at maximum top speed (ie. immediate).
Our twinkling soldiers, stars, however, are so so far away from us. Words can't simply explain how far are they away from us. Except that they are so far away that when light bounces off them, it takes such a long for light to travel back to our eyes for us to be able to see them that the stars we see today, now, are in fact stars of the past. For example, one ray of light started its bounce away from the star one day ago. Light took one day to travel back to earth to our eyes. So meaning to say this star that we are seeing now was actually a star from one day ago. Makes sense? Well at least I think it did. (I did not come up with this theory myself. We actually read about it off somewhere, I can't remember where.) So our theory is, if we, humans, the most intellectual race of the modern fictitious world of ours, can capture this theory of the speed of light and actually grasp the concept, can we not then see into the past? After all the stars we will be seeing tonight will be from one, two, three or even more days ago. Comprehendo?
Back to my long endless night. After that ciggarette and that train of thoughts I retreated back to my room and continued the arduous repitition of my rountine. TV, smoke, TV, smoke. It came to a point of frustation when I wanted so badly to sleep but I simply cannot. I would doze off from the TV only to wake up seconds later. F**k! I have to wake up at 7am later! Desperation drove me to turn to the remaining sips of cough mixture I had left. *Gulp!* That should do the trick. I cuddled under my sheets in eager anticipation of the impending sleep. Tick tock tick tock. This doesn't feel right. Why am I not sleeping yet? Tick tock tick tock. It's almost 6am. My alarm's going off fearfully soon. Tick tock tick tock. Wait, this feels weird. I'm not feeling sleepy but yet a strange kind of high-ness. Groggy, vision-blurred. Head is spinning a little. Is that a flash of light that I am seeing? That a shadow or? But wait, my eyes are closed. This is not right. Though it all feels kinda nice but I can't be allowing these when I have to work in a while! I pushed all these experiences with the last ounce of mind power I had. I have to sleep! Forced sleep is better than none.
Daybreak begins. It is another part of the day which I absolutely detest. I hate to watch the sunlight slowly creep up against my curtains and spreading its horrific wings all across my room. To me, its marks another sleepless night and I have survived another midnight ordeal to watch the ugly sun rise upon me.
I took one last look at my clock. Ten more minutes before it rings. I am desperate. I need to sleep. I closed my eyes and prayed. Suddenly the sleeping power of the cough mixture decided to stir within my body, at the wrongest time possible. F**k, I thought to myself. I may have said it out I don't know. I think, in my half-awakeness, I did fall asleep for about ten to five minutes and my clock went crazy on me.
I wobbled out of bed, still faint and groggy from the high I had from the cough mixture, cursing and swearing all the way to the bathroom.
Monday, October 6, 2008
06 Oct 2008 Part II
Boredom can be a silent killer. It drives people to do things they would never have done if they weren't so friggin' bored. Like staring into space. Like thinking about ways to die with minimal pain. Like planning for a trip that will never be made. Like smoking a cigarette every half an hour. Like staring at a green plant. Like wishing no customers will every speak to her again so she doesn't have to fake a smile. Like pondering about how humans came about. Like debating within herself do aliens really exist. Like repeating the same song over and over again in the head. Like planning a night out that will never happen. Like sighing every ten seconds.
I bought a pair of shoes today. That's by far the most exciting thing that happened today.
Please kill me.
I bought a pair of shoes today. That's by far the most exciting thing that happened today.
Please kill me.
06 Oct 2008
Sleep comes easily to most people around me. I have known some to be able to dift in and out of sleep throughout the entire day and yet sleep soundly like a baby in the night. I am amazed. I think I used to be able to do that as well but events in recent times have made me lose that ability. Used to mock at people when they tell me they lose sleep because their minds can't stop thinking about certain events in their life. I thought to myself "How is that possible?". Isn't it easy to just shut the thoughts out of the mind and just sleep? But now, I truely understand how they felt. Sleep seems like a distant friend now whom rarely comes to you except for an occassion like a wedding or a funeral or new birth. But in this instance, sleep only comes when (1) alcohol comes to help (2) some flu or cough medicine takes its effect o (3) when I haven't slept for maybe 3 days and I just concuss the minute I touch the bed.
The wee hours of the night are the hardest to bear. When the clock goes past midnight, the eyes open wider and depression starts to kick in. It starts to get quieter by the minute. Babies go to sleep. Couples stop quarreling as they get tired. Lights in the home gets switched off. TV sets get switched off. I used to stand in my balcony smoking and staring at the TV set of my neighbour opposite. That neighbour of mine watches hellavu lot of TV. Then when THEIR TV gets switched off I fall into deeper depression because I know it's already hellavu late! Dogs stop barking as well. Cats stop meowing. Then the eerie sounds of the night starts. Crickets and I don't know what else. I don't want to know and wish I will never get to see them. Smoking becomes a chore because the time I'm smoking is the time when I got nothing to do and the mind wanders again. Then I start to think why the hell didn't I go out tonight. If I had went out and drink, I would be able to sleep now and not listen to cricket sounds.
Yet again, I am sometimes worried that this drinking habit of mine might one day pose as a problem to me. What if I get hooked? What if I have to carry to bottle of alcohol with me everywhere I go like you see in the movies in future? What if? What if? Life is full of "what if"s. But then again its a choice between sleeping and not sleeping. I think I choose sleep
I watched a show last night and a character in the show has problems sleeping as well. Yet she is very happy about it. She's happy because she has extra hours everyday to do what she likes to do. Like midnight bowling and supper. I wish I could be happy about losing sleep like her to but its impossible. There's really nothing much to do at night. Yeah I can go bowling and stuff. But the fact that I have to take a cab out and back, plus midnight charges and pay for whatever activities that I may do? It's not smart for the wallet. And as for supper? If I were to do that each time I lose sleep, I'd not fit on my bed anymore.
So the choices are clear. (1) Happy but broke. (2) Happy but fat. (3) Alcoholic but well rested. (4) Med-freak but well-rested. (4) Panda eyes and tired but rich, not fat, not alcoholic, not med-freak. I think I choose well-rested. In fact I wish I can just sleep for the rest of my life. Because my mind can't stop thinking when I am awake. Oh what the hell. Isn't it better to just be stupid? Because stupid people don't think that much.
Minimal brain activity is the optimal choice.
The wee hours of the night are the hardest to bear. When the clock goes past midnight, the eyes open wider and depression starts to kick in. It starts to get quieter by the minute. Babies go to sleep. Couples stop quarreling as they get tired. Lights in the home gets switched off. TV sets get switched off. I used to stand in my balcony smoking and staring at the TV set of my neighbour opposite. That neighbour of mine watches hellavu lot of TV. Then when THEIR TV gets switched off I fall into deeper depression because I know it's already hellavu late! Dogs stop barking as well. Cats stop meowing. Then the eerie sounds of the night starts. Crickets and I don't know what else. I don't want to know and wish I will never get to see them. Smoking becomes a chore because the time I'm smoking is the time when I got nothing to do and the mind wanders again. Then I start to think why the hell didn't I go out tonight. If I had went out and drink, I would be able to sleep now and not listen to cricket sounds.
Yet again, I am sometimes worried that this drinking habit of mine might one day pose as a problem to me. What if I get hooked? What if I have to carry to bottle of alcohol with me everywhere I go like you see in the movies in future? What if? What if? Life is full of "what if"s. But then again its a choice between sleeping and not sleeping. I think I choose sleep
I watched a show last night and a character in the show has problems sleeping as well. Yet she is very happy about it. She's happy because she has extra hours everyday to do what she likes to do. Like midnight bowling and supper. I wish I could be happy about losing sleep like her to but its impossible. There's really nothing much to do at night. Yeah I can go bowling and stuff. But the fact that I have to take a cab out and back, plus midnight charges and pay for whatever activities that I may do? It's not smart for the wallet. And as for supper? If I were to do that each time I lose sleep, I'd not fit on my bed anymore.
So the choices are clear. (1) Happy but broke. (2) Happy but fat. (3) Alcoholic but well rested. (4) Med-freak but well-rested. (4) Panda eyes and tired but rich, not fat, not alcoholic, not med-freak. I think I choose well-rested. In fact I wish I can just sleep for the rest of my life. Because my mind can't stop thinking when I am awake. Oh what the hell. Isn't it better to just be stupid? Because stupid people don't think that much.
Minimal brain activity is the optimal choice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
