21 Oct 2008

Periodically over the span of the past few days, many thoughts gathered in my head. Good ones, bad ones, happy ones and more often than not, sad ones. I never knew I was capable of thinking so much. I thought it was mostly air in my head. Once, long time ago, when I was still in school, a friend commented that if he were to chop off my head, my head will float. Somehow now, I wished that was true. Bimbo-ism or airheaded-ism can be quite a good thing after all. Sarcasm, bad reviews will simply float past. Makes life more bearable ain't it?

I decided to make Sunday night alcohol free. In fact, I made Sunday free from everything. I only spoke when necessary (I had to speak at some point or another because I was in the service industry). Other times I just maintained ZERO human contact. No Msn, no Facebook. I really was not in any mood to speak to anyone or do anything. I floated like a ghost during work. And surprisingly, the day passed with much ease.

Interruption. I have to voice this out or I think I'd go crazy. Some people are just so plain stupid! "Can I can a Shiatsu massage? - I'm sorry I don't have any available slots now. - Oh, then can I get an Asian Oil massage? - Ma'am, I do not have any available slots now." Customer walks out, stares at the menu and walks back again. "Then can I get a Upper Body massage? - Ma'am, I have mentioned to you I DO NOT HAVE ANY AVAILABLE SLOTS AT THE MOMENT. I do not have any HUMAN BEING available to do any massage for you now." Customer then finally decided to leave. WTF???!!! Can she not understand english or is she stupid? Doesn't mean that you play around with the massages you want to have and suddenly a therapist will appear and do it for you. What, guess the right massage? Get it right and you will be able to get it done! Crap! Can't understand these people. I do not have anyone to do it means I do not have anyone. Period. Playing guessing games does not help, morons.

Right, back to Sunday. Well I went home and decided to have an alcohol/ med-free night. Wrong wrong decision. I floated like a ghost for the rest of the night as well. I completed the remaining episodes of Moonlight Resonance (the show was pretty alright) and it was not even 2am. I took a smoke and realised my TV-freak neighbour is still glued to the tivo. At least that's a consolation. But I was starting to freak out. I have completed my drama serial. I have no more shows to watch. I ain't got no TV channels on the tivo in my room. What am I going to do to pass my time? Count sheep? I really was desperate. Decided I shall smoke 2 cigarettes to pass more time. Thought about many things while smoking. I realised I think and talk about dying every single day. Sometimes on more than one occassion a day. I think about the easiest way to die. I'm a coward. So I do not dare to jump down 25 storeys. What other sure-die ways are there other than jumping off a building? Cutting my wrist? Painful. I will not dare to do it myself. Why not get someone to simply chop of my hand and let me bleed to death. Pills? Not sure-die. If I do not die, I have to go through the torture of pumping my stomach. I toyed with the idea of asking someone to push me down a building since I do not have to guts to do myself. But who in the right mind would help me with it? I concluded that the only sure-die method is to jump down a building. But I got no guts. How? I thought I could tie myself to a fridge or something and push the fridge down so it'd drag me down with it too. But what if the rope doesn't hold. What if it breaks before it could drag me down? Then I'd be charged with killer litter. Can't die plus get charged. Not worth it. Then it suddenly struck me. Is it healthy to think about dying everyday? Is it going to cause some emotional breakdown in me? Will I then go into depression? But you know what people say, if someone really had the intention to die, they will go kill themselves silently and everyone will be shocked. People will go "I didn't know she was upset about anything. She looked absolutely fine to me!". So I think I should be safe since I literally talk about dying everyday. So, fuck it.

Finished my smokes and floated into my kitchen. Opened the fridge and decided to have some juice. Too lazy to float across the kitchen to get a glass, I decided to just pour the contents straight into my mouth. But due to lack of sleep and alcohol, my aim was totally off. I spilled about half a cup of OJ on my PJs (hey, kinda rhymes huh). Too lazy to change out of my PJs and get it cleaned, I splashed water on myself and got myself cleaned at the kitchen sink. Too lazy to dry it with the hairdryer, I left the wet PJs on me for the entire night. I regretted. My laziness left me with a bad fever the next day.

After the slight rendezvous in the kitchen, I floated to the living room looking for things to kill my time. I swear no one can be more crazy than me. I started to count the number of pairs of shoes I own. On the shoe rack itself and scattered loosely around it, I already counted 12 pairs. I opened the shoe cupboard and counted. 9 pairs. That's 21. I have a suitcase full of shoes in my room. I think that should make up another 10 pairs. Another 2 pairs of boots. Another 4 pairs still with a friend. I think at least another 10 pairs in my old flat. Total 47 pairs of shoes. Not that bad huh. But I still think its not enough. Baaah.

Then I floated to my tivo in the living room and ransacked the cupboards for some shows to watch. Zero. Zilch. Nothing. I resorted to watching my old VCDs from more 10 years ago. Which also probably contributed to my inability to sleep. I had to crawl out of my bed to change the friggin' disc every 45 minutes or so. Baaah.

I watched a total of 2 and 1/2 movies. A Bug's Life. Shanghai Noon. And half of Wild Wild West. By the time I had to get out of my bed to change to the second disc for Wild Wild West, daybreak was starting to creep up on me. WTH. I shut the tv, hid my head under the covers and prayed for sleep to come. I vaguely remember, I kinda fell asleep for half an hour. Then the bomb came and I cursed and sweared my way to the bathroom.

I start my day everyday with a swear word. Kinda unhealthy huh. Baaah.